This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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