I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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