We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
