Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
