honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
