Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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