Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
