I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I believe in your delicious
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
