Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize