so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
