Just mADE A PArabola og urine
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
