I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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