im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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