I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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