Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My life is pants optional.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
