I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i think my cat just said my name.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
