I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
