I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
