Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize