I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
