I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
