worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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