And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
