Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I want her autograph on my taint
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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