based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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