The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
