Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
