woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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