My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
