I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
