Don't make out with my wife yet
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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