if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We smell like vodka and hangover
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