Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
