This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize