sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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