Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize