Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
