why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
