Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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