thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
