Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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