Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
