To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
