I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
