he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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