She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
