I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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