Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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