i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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