Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize