bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
