the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
