i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
