This house was built for laser tag.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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