Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
