My underwear smells like fireworks.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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