I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
