I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
