I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
