i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
