did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
