This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
