We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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