I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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