i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
